Daily I'm reminded as to how untrustworthy our species is. We're supposed to be at the top of the chain yet almost everyone seems to be incapable of the most basic thing. Being honest. Or better yet just not being a shitty person. I have the lowest self confidence of anyone you'll meet but I'm confident in saying I know I've never been a full out shitty person, regardless of the situation. I never want to walk away from something knowing I hurt someone else, or that I pretended to be something I wasn't. I want to know I put everything into it when I meant it, and that I never told someone something they wanted to hear when I didn't mean it. and to this day I can honestly say I haven't. It actually isn't that hard, which is why I'm amazed at what I've been witnessing, and what I've experienced. and people wonder why I'm a bit of a hermit.
I'm actually completely in awe of how many shitty people I have come across even in the past year. (That's not to say I haven't met just as many amazing ones, which I currently surround myself with). I'm told, "Don't worry Sam, even if you call them out they just don't. get. it." and maybe that's the case, but really? Do they really not get it? or are they just that self centered that they actually only give a fuck about themselves. I'm thinking it's the latter.
I got asked at work today, for the second time why I would never want to be married. I don't understand why everyone is so shocked when I tell them I have no interest in ever having a family. My answer? I don't want to get locked into something I can't bail on when I inevitably get screwed over. That and I know I would probably be an awful mother. I'd never want to put a kid in a situation that they shouldn't have to experience because I'm incapable. Ie: telling your kid they're not welcome home. Which is something I live with. (I didn't even get to see my dad on his birthday because of this). I know I would never be the one screwing over someone I cared about. If I say I care about you, I mean it. Which is surprisingly a rare trait. 95% of relationships end. How many couples do you know who've been together the majority of their lives and are legitimately happy? Probably none, if any. It's because there will always be the one person who is only in it for themselves. Think about your friends who jump from relationship to relationship, do they really give a fuck about who they're with? Probably not. What do they care about? That they're with someone. Even if that is literally anyone who comes along. I'm so happy I was never one of those girls who needed to have a boyfriend all the time. I grew a backbone young because I didn't have a sense of someone else holding me up, telling me what to be. I can take care of myself, thanks.
Maybe I am negative, like I keep getting told I am. I just think I'm smart when it comes to that shit. I'm just realistic. By no means do I think I know all, and that I've completely avoided falling into this trap. I've made the mistake of investing myself in terrible people, and I inevitably got hurt. But everyone experiences this, so why do I feel like the only one coming to this realization? I know chances are that the guy I'm seeing is probably going to cheat on me, or lie to me, or talk to other girls behind my back. So why not bail first? I've gotten better at that. I had to. When you grow up and realize this you learn to not get attached. Bail early. Don't invest. Move on. You're going to die alone anyway, why not brace yourself?
I genuinely believe for someone to actually believe they can trust the person they're dating is naive.
"I think you just need that one guy who will prove you wrong."
I'm not saying this is impossible, I'm just not waiting around. and I don't think anyone else should be either. I hate watching this happen to my friends, and I've come to expect it when it comes to me. Which shouldn't be the case for anyone, but is. Not to say I'm completely pessimistic. If you know me well enough you'd know I get called a hopeless romantic often. I think that's just mostly because I don't troll bars looking for one night stands, and that when I actually like someone it's genuine, and not calculated. One of my favourite quotes is from High Fidelity:
"But I was kind and sincere and thoughtful and devoted and I remembered things about her and I told her she was beautiful and I bought her little presents that usually referred to a conversation we had had recently. None of this was an effort, of course, and none of it was done with any sense of calculation: I found it easy to remember things about her, because I didn't think about anything else, and I really did think she was beautiful, and I would have not been able to prevent myself from buying her little presents, and I did not have to feign devotion."
(I swear to you I am the female version of this).
Moral? Take care of yourself, because no one else is going to (even if they say so). Whatever happens happens, just don't be surprised when you get screwed over. At least know when you do, chances are you were the genuine one. I keep having to remind people this when they have this happen to them. It's true good people finish last. Which is probably why I never bother to run for things. It's just not worth the effort.
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