today

I headed to school early, after I had to head to school after work (I closed, which means I ended up dragging myself to school at 10:30pm.. not ideal.) to try to finish this stupid CAD assignment that just wasn't working for me. Lecture, lab (throwing my stuff together and handing it in), and then finishing my next 2 assignments in class (I'm determined to do this from now on).

Ended up hanging out with Josh again on my break before work, last week we went out for sushi and this week was Starbucks :) So good to see a friendly face to breakup such a mundane day. Headed to work where I actually laughed so much I cried. Played Misfits, no one knew what it was/recognized it. Terrifying.

and now I opted out of going to 751 tonight to sleep and watch movies. I am truly a hermit. A sleepy hermit.

writing a history of fashion illustration assignment on this guy.

ps: definitely put in 00g tunnels tonight! :) stoked.

So sleepy. So stoked.

Life's not bad. Works pretty good, today I bought a giant bag of candy for everyone on my break and sort of just ate that the rest of my shift haha. I'm super stoked on my new leather jacket, can't wait for that to come in. and I think I'm gunna get that little tattoo soon ("all of that filthy empathy" on the inside of my forearm), and then set up the first appointment for the bigger grayscale one on the inside of my upper arm (I think that's where I want it?)

This is a crap/cropped version of the photo of my dad. But I wanna get him and his dog forsure.. I know that this was probably the happiest time in his life. All he ever talked about when I was growing up was him and his dog and this age. I want to keep that with me, and be reminded that everyone was happy at least once in their life. I never know when the next time I'll see my dad is, at least if I have this I'll sort of get to see him everyday :/

But anyhew. I wanna get that before christmas, or soon after. The money isn't really an issue anymore so it's all just about planning.

oh also, this morning I had my professor come up to me and be like "You probably get this alot, but you look soooo much like that girl from greys anatomy!" I asked her who, and she ended up telling me it was that sarah ramirez girl or something? I'd say she's gorgeous for a bigger girl.. but despite how large I think I am.. I KNOW I am not THAT big hahaha. Gave me a bit of a complex this morning.

Which led me to think of who I get told I look like alot.. which is the following (have a laugh at my expense will you?)

yeah I have no idea.

PS: Stoked on dinner/hangouts with two of my favourite girls tomorrow! Work and then hangouts with Kristen, who I haven't seen in weeks, and then off for foods or drinks with Jenna! Tomorrow should be good :)

Real leather jacket #2

so I went in and ordered/bought this today :) 

They didn't have it in the store so I have to wait like a week for it. 

Still stoked though. One thing that's never changed about me is my obsession with black leather jackets. Slowly my collection grows :)

so stoked I get to see these guys again.

There it is again..

It's 3:30 in the morning.

I should be asleep but I can't sleep. I feel tired, and I know I should be sleeping. I have class at 8am...

waking life anyone?

I kind of feel a bit unhinged I guess. Like I'm floating along. I can't keep track of anything. I feel more spacey than ever. And I have this horrible sense of anxiety.

Which I guess is how I always feel, just a bit more amplified.

Maybe it's full time school and the 30+ hour work weeks.

I feel too static. I need to find some sort of balance. But isn't that what I'm always trying to do and failing at? Not very comforting.

I need to figure it out I guess. If only I could find the time.

Old habits.

Old modest mouse is the greatest thing I ever discovered.

"Deception is a lie reduced to practice."

Daily I'm reminded as to how untrustworthy our species is. We're supposed to be at the top of the chain yet almost everyone seems to be incapable of the most basic thing. Being honest. Or better yet just not being a shitty person. I have the lowest self confidence of anyone you'll meet but I'm confident in saying I know I've never been a full out shitty person, regardless of the situation. I never want to walk away from something knowing I hurt someone else, or that I pretended to be something I wasn't. I want to know I put everything into it when I meant it, and that I never told someone something they wanted to hear when I didn't mean it. and to this day I can honestly say I haven't. It actually isn't that hard, which is why I'm amazed at what I've been witnessing, and what I've experienced. and people wonder why I'm a bit of a hermit.

I'm actually completely in awe of how many shitty people I have come across even in the past year. (That's not to say I haven't met just as many amazing ones, which I currently surround myself with). I'm told, "Don't worry Sam, even if you call them out they just don't. get. it."  and maybe that's the case, but really? Do they really not get it? or are they just that self centered that they actually only give a fuck about themselves. I'm thinking it's the latter.

I got asked at work today, for the second time why I would never want to be married. I don't understand why everyone is so shocked when I tell them I have no interest in ever having a family. My answer? I don't want to get locked into something I can't bail on when I inevitably get screwed over. That and I know I would probably be an awful mother. I'd never want to put a kid in a situation that they shouldn't have to experience because I'm incapable. Ie: telling your kid they're not welcome home. Which is something I live with. (I didn't even get to see my dad on his birthday because of this). I know I would never be the one screwing over someone I cared about. If I say I care about you, I mean it. Which is surprisingly a rare trait. 95% of relationships end. How many couples do you know who've been together the majority of their lives and are legitimately happy? Probably none, if any. It's because there will always be the one person who is only in it for themselves. Think about your friends who jump from relationship to relationship, do they really give a fuck about who they're with? Probably not. What do they care about? That they're with someone. Even if that is literally anyone who comes along. I'm so happy I was never one of those girls who needed to have a boyfriend all the time. I grew a backbone young because I didn't have a sense of someone else holding me up, telling me what to be. I can take care of myself, thanks.

Maybe I am negative, like I keep getting told I am. I just think I'm smart when it comes to that shit. I'm just realistic. By no means do I think I know all, and that I've completely avoided falling into this trap. I've made the mistake of investing myself in terrible people, and I inevitably got hurt. But everyone experiences this, so why do I feel like the only one coming to this realization? I know chances are that the guy I'm seeing is probably going to cheat on me, or lie to me, or talk to other girls behind my back. So why not bail first? I've gotten better at that. I had to. When you grow up and realize this you learn to not get attached. Bail early. Don't invest. Move on. You're going to die alone anyway, why not brace yourself?

I genuinely believe for someone to actually believe they can trust the person they're dating is naive. 

"I think you just need that one guy who will prove you wrong."

I'm not saying this is impossible, I'm just not waiting around. and I don't think anyone else should be either. I hate watching this happen to my friends, and I've come to expect it when it comes to me. Which shouldn't be the case for anyone, but is. Not to say I'm completely pessimistic. If you know me well enough you'd know I get called a hopeless romantic often. I think that's just mostly because I don't troll bars looking for one night stands, and that when I actually like someone it's genuine, and not calculated. One of my favourite quotes is from High Fidelity:

"But I was kind and sincere and thoughtful and devoted and I remembered things about her and I told her she was beautiful and I bought her little presents that usually referred to a conversation we had had recently. None of this was an effort, of course, and none of it was done with any sense of calculation: I found it easy to remember things about her, because I didn't think about anything else, and I really did think she was beautiful, and I would have not been able to prevent myself from buying her little presents, and I did not have to feign devotion." 

(I swear to you I am the female version of this).

Moral? Take care of yourself, because no one else is going to (even if they say so). Whatever happens happens, just don't be surprised when you get screwed over. At least know when you do, chances are you were the genuine one. I keep having to remind people this when they have this happen to them. It's true good people finish last. Which is probably why I never bother to run for things. It's just not worth the effort.

/rant.

I know what I'm being for halloween.

my boots came in early!!

I was so stoked to come home from work to Leann telling me my boots showed up early!!

I now am the proud owner of these:

they make me so tall it's hilarious. Normally I'm about 5'4", but with these I'm eye to eye with my roomate, who's like 5'9". Pretty sweet deals being real people height!! That and the fact that despite they're about 5 inches high, they're the comfiest heels I've ever worn. Because the actual heel part of the shoe isn't very big, it feels more like a wedge, which is like 1000% more comfortable and easier to walk in than say stilettos. (Amazing since I HAAATE wedges). I got them for a pretty good deal too, I remember these going for like $600 bucks.

also, thanks to my friend and her tattoo shop carrying 1g tapers I'm now a 1g haha. (Not for long), I have a 0g taper but I'm a wimp so I'm easing into the bigger gauges. I've decided I wanna go bigger than 7/16ths, which was my initial goal. But the biggest I'm willing to go is 3/4". My puny noggin would look so off with anything bigger than that hahaha

Off to watch the Fugitive before I passout again. According to everyone it's amazing/oldschool and I need to see it. But I was too tired after getting home from sneaks lastnight and passsed out 20 minutes in hahaha

Also: New goal.. a new leatherjacket in the next 2 weeks aka this one:

 haha 

and I think I'm gunna start saving up for a classic chanel flap bag by spring/summer. Yay purchases!

decent days.

Today was alright. Not sleeping and going to an 8am class wasn't the greatest idea I've ever had. But I've got a solid idea of what I'm doing for my business cards for my collection now. The first thing my prof said while critiquing my work was "Oh wow... that's very goth".. (Crucifixes and a collection called "Black Math" isn't the most delicate impression haha) I'm surprisingly really happy with this though. I also decided to go ahead and make my life a little more complicated by creating an entirely new template and circle cards (instead of traditional business cards). I figure it's one more way of standing out, good or bad - since I've always been a bit of an oddball, why not have the same with my collection?

Ps: I'm not sewing my collection this year, but I'm doing all the classes and prep for it. Think black leather jackets with studs, buckles, feather detailing on some stuff, lots of black, tight jeans, black bandage dresses, antique detailing etc. Clothing only the brave could wear to any event, or to your favourite dive bar. ;)

Anyway, bailed on class, picked up my favourite flats from the repair place, napped and went to work. I wokeup to a bunch of BBM's from Lindsey praying I didn't have school or work (which I always do). But I promised I'd come to sneaks after, despite how tired I would be. (It's extremely hard/impossible for me to turn down sneaks nights with good friends). So headed home, then over to sneaks for late night foods with Steve, Cody, Lindsey and Leann. Back home and determined to watch the Fugitive because Steve Brown said to. hahaha

New glasses tomorrow, no class til thursday and my boots wednesday! Stoked :)

the only thing that's never abandoned me is my anxiety.

Sooo to counteract this little bugger, I've been listening to music like this:

Guh.

On another note, it's 5am and I have class at 8. I'm still working on my logo designs for said class.. I can't think of anything else I want to use other than crucifixes. eesh.

oh wait, it's saturday night?

anyone who knows me is aware of my messed up sleep schedule/insomnia.

soooo since I haven't slept more than abut 3 hours in the past 3 days my saturday night is consisting of listening to this: 

and extra strength sleeping pills. See ya!

ps: so stoked on these boots!!!!!!! :)

most recent purchases.

dukes up.

Whaddoyoumean I need sleep?

Get out of my house, asshole.

Note to dudes (drunk or otherwise): If you try to wander into a girls house TWICE while she's having people over, try to steal shit/get into fights when they tell you to leave, they catch you trying to steal and you still come back hours later to try again.. Just do everyone a favour and die. Hold your breath until it all goes black, I don't care. Just stop existing.

I had some shithead from U of T try this on me tonight. I hate that I acted like an adult and didn't hit him like I should have. I love how when I'm completely sober I have to deal with guys like this. Yes, I'm aware I'm short.. you standing over me and screaming in my face and threatening me doesn't make me anymore aware of this, just more aware of how clear a shot I have at your throat.

I was sitting on the porch of my house with some people and these guys wander into the house lobby, half way up the stairs, and then down again and decide the door into my house looks like a good idea. I walked after them telling them to get out, that I lived there and that I didn't know who they were. This one guy decides that the smart thing to do is to stand over me, insult how I look (keep in mind this guys wearing like walmart/campus crew shit, looks like he fell out of the suburbs) and scream at me that I should go turn the music off and tell everyone to leave if he's not allowed in. That him hearing music is an invitation for him to come into my house.. (Seriously.. Pretty sure I laughed at him when he said this) 

Oh, and kicking the beers on the porch during your temper tantrum while storming outside after I call you out on trying to steal shit isn't the best way to go about things. 

Sometimes I wonder why I always have to be the mature one. How old am I again?

about time.

sooo working 30+ hours a week is definitely paying off, I really think I can handle it with school too, it's tiring but being able to buy these next week is worth it :)

so so so excited!!

also, definitely got my ears to a 2G the other day, I'm planning on stretching to 0 next week. aaaand new glasses soon! 

Whatever you do,

don't look up.

because I'm awkward.

Stoked. I'm a wimp but I've got my itty bitty ears between a 6g and a 4g now. I started at like 18g, Jess had to re-pierce my ears pretty much haha

Please ignore the fact that I look like a boy haha

anywayssss

I got my schedule for work, 31 hours a week isn't bad :)

with school on top of this I'm going to be a busy bee.

I'm pretty excited to be working though, this means I can finally save up for the 3/4 sleeve I've wanted since forever. I plan on getting that sorted out in a few months. I plan on dragging my faux-adopted brother Connor with me cause it's his tattoo artist I'll be going to for this little endeavour. This kid's got the best tattoos I've seen, 100% the style I'd want. Not that I don't think the people I know who have tattoos have awsome tattoos, I just know that this is the look/style I've always wanted on me.

This weekend is gonna be a bit of a bummer cause I was supposed to go to my old Starbucks manager's wedding with an old friend, but considering I'm kinda-sorta banned from my parents house that was a last minute bail on my behalf. Sucks. 

Otherwise, today's been pretty decent.

Wokeup to Jess and Lindsey yelling at me to get up and forcing me to not hermit haha

Went to Starbucks with Jess Lindsey and Steve for some pumpkin spice drinks (neccessary) and headed over to Adrenaline to get Jess' lip piercing redone.

Overall really decent :)